A little poetry, perhaps?
Published 1 year, 11 months ago in My life.Ode For A Fallen Poet
And that well-meaning shadow, that allusion of illusions
Spelt words out with silver stars that threw the world into confusion
And I nodded my agreement as he stood in the wind at the fall of night
And swore an oath on all things beautiful that life would be alright
Nothing, nothing, nothing. Bombs falling in the distance
The sand that he had sculpted slips through the fingers of existence
And as he turned and paced and declared, his whispers fierce and true
He knew exactly what would happen, but how? Oh, he just knew
And that arched and powered creature, that good man of poise and fury
Dressed as judge and executioner was just one member of the jury
His cryptic words LIE side by side, resting in his overconfidence
As he shrinks back into the yellowed pages of no more than good intents.
(C) Lady Chaos 2007
8 Responses to “A little poetry, perhaps?”
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Hey if you are Lady Chaos,
Perhaps i could be Sir Catasrophe!
Would you like further crit?
Would you like it for all to see?
Or would you like to go offline?
theshadow aka JOhn
Check out www.rememberme.bigblog.com.au
Yes, I always appreciate advice and constructive criticism… I don’t mind, for all to see or offline, either one is fine… if you’d prefer to email me, I’m lollies_noir@yahoo.com.au but I don’t mind getting criticism on here… otherwise I wouldn’t put my poems up.
Okay, here goes.
In esence, you are almost there. You are creating word pictures, or envoking thought processes, but your flow is sometimes a little dodgy.
Likewise, you need to pitch to a wider audience. Your poetry is a little complex, and loses a lot because you have to almost study it, rather than read it once and go Hhhhhhmh, at the same time.
My advice, take it or leave it, would be to try and simplify your structure. Less always speaks more than more…
Eg Loved the opening line, but the second um, er, ah
Spelt words out with silver stars.
This doesnt really work, it is cute, but spelling words out with silver stars doesnt really convey the message that well.
My choice-
Words from an iron fist in a velvet glove turned my world
inside and out THIS LINE NEEDS WORK, ITS HARD TO RE JIG SOMEONE ELSES POEM, BUT YOU MIGHT CATCH MY DRIFT
Have you been published yet?
It flows ok, and it delivers the message a little more obviously.
Hmmm… I see what you mean… your suggestion of improvement was certainly very good and fits with the rest of the poem well, but I guess what I was going for with the silver stars thing…
- Stars require darkness, that is, his words shone because all was dark, a metaphor for the fact that his words were believable to the writer because there was no hope.
- If you spell words out across the sky in stars, the world can see them - alludes to this character’s overconfidence.
- His words threw the world (who saw them because they were in stars) into confusion, as they are “cryptic” (see the last stanza).
… Heh… I see what you mean about it needing to be studied! I will work on that.
“Words from an iron fist in a velvet glove turned my world inside and out”… Personally, I think that’s brilliant imagery, a much cooler line than mine, but maybe in addition to rather than instead of, as it gives just a little less information about the situation…. it is describing the character and the writer’s reaction to him well though.
No, I haven’t been published yet… I only write poetry as a hobby, and I have won a few poetry competitions on my online community (www.elftown.com). People seem to like my poems, but I don’t get a lot of constructive criticism. And I really appreciate the time you take to give me advice on this
He turned around, and his face just frowned.
You see……he knew what the stars were meant to be.
Now its time to dither no longer.
Here tis the next to ponder.
JUST AS AN EXERCISE,
REDUCE THE NUMBER OF WORDS BY 20%, AND STILL KEEP THE SAME MEANING.
LOVE TO SEE SOME MORE OF YOUR WORK.
DO YOU ONLY DO POETRY.
DO YOU EVER GO TO ANY ‘SLAMS’
IM NOT REALLY A POET[ JOURNO, BIOGRAPHER,FICTION WRITER, BUT HERE GOES.
The sun set
Nothing to get
No more bets
Time is near
Nought to fear
No more bets
A little drink
To the very brink
No more bets
Final air
No despair
No more bets
Its all over
No more bets
AS I SAID I AM NOT A POET. THIS TOOK ABOUT TWO MINUTES.
SOMETIMES, SPLURGING AS OPPOSED TO AGONISING EVERY WORD WORKS BETTER. I AM SURE IT COULD BE MADE BETTER, BUT TIS JUST A LITTLE BIT OF NONSENSE
That was a great exercise… I hadn’t written a poem for a few days (which is a long time for me) and here’s what I turned out… I manged to get it down from 144 words to 95… the only main expense I can see is that there is less “cool” description of the guy as a character… and it’s probably got a few other problems that I haven’t noticed yet, since it was written after a day at work and half a bottle of butterscotch schnapps… but here goes…
Ode For A Fallen Poet
He paced upon the mountain, his words rang in my heart
And as I waited for the ending, he promised me the start
In a world where all was empty, he stood, incarnate of more
In the darkness of despair, his words shone of light and sure
But he can plead not guilty for his poetic slight of hand
That the life in what he said fell dead at truth’s command
For he believed each word he breathed in lilting lullaby
As he sent my world into orbit, and then pulled it from the sky.
Your poem was great… It has atmosphere… I guess it shows the benefits of writing on the moment. I tend to think about what I’m going to write for at least a day or so to get a bit of imagery and words happening in my mind, then I write it… I guess it comes at the expense of spontaneity in the language.
Yeah, I only do poetry… I do other art, such as photography and photo manipulations, but not other writing-art, except maybe reviews on here and blog entries. And I’ve never been to a “slam”… what is that?
:) Thanks for your advice! And I’ll put up another poem tonight!
He’s got style, a groovy style, and a car that just won’t stop.
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